His eyes are blue like lapping waves
against each other, murky in the middle.
And I can get lost in them time and time again
But late at night I think of the boys--the men--
who have judged me, and found me wanting.
Friends that move on. What is the problem with me?
I wonder quietly, encompassing myself till I am skin and bone.
Elbows to knees quietly sobbing.
Containing the worst parts within myself.
Perhaps no one will see, no one will know.
Again I go unnoticed.

Nothing has changed. Except me.
My thoughts are always racing through my head
against some unknown entity
flowing without pause or concern
except that the world moves on.
It changes, it hurts, it absolves and reconciles.
Yet I am still here, the rock within the river.
Enough of this and I will
wear
down.

everything that matters breaks in two
I'll never ask for anyone but you

I feel spring
seeping into the air around me, emerging from the ground
and I too want to be included in this gateway of new beginnings
Of renewal from sins I forgot I committed.
I want there to be more meaning to the silence in between.
Which is hard, since the things I say are so meaningful to begin with.
I need to start writing down my thoughts again, I haven't since Steve proposed last March.
I need more concrete (or, rather, abstract) beautiful lyrical lies to look back on.
I need to remember the times that make me feel alive.
Don't let me bleed into the background.

I get lost, messed up and bored when I'm alone too long
I can't sleep, function or eat when I'm not with someone

Time for some emotasticness.
I am deeply in love with Steve.
And I remain friends with Derek.|
But I miss him, miss being close to him.
You can be friends and be close--I know this.
But I feel like he's never as excited to talk to me as I am to him.
And when I refer to him as my ex, he says,
"Can't I just be your friend, Kris?"
in that exasperated tone that I feel like no one else makes him use.
But maybe that's just me being arrogant.

Don't change your heart
don't say we're not meant to be